Uncle Sam wants you… to not make moonshine – Albany Democrat

I don’t drink much alcohol.

Mostly this is because I have the taste buds of a 5-year-old. I’d rather have some Tree Top than a Bud Light. I mean, have you tasted beer? It’s disgusting.

So in a post-apocalyptic world, when daydreaming about all the lovely things I used to have when life was normal, I might sometimes reminisce about a rum and Coke. But more often I’ll probably wish for a nice, cold apple juice.

A lot of people, though, seem to like alcohol, whether they use it for recreation and relaxation, for medicinal or culinary purposes, or for escape.

All that said, alcohol will be a valuable commodity after a socioeconomic meltdown. And it’s easier to make than other in-demand commodities like ammunition or diamonds.

I don’t think I have the resources or expertise to plant and maintain a vineyard for wine. But I could probably learn how to make moonshine.

Too bad it’s illegal.

In school, I learned a few facts; for instance, that Prohibition ended in 1933. Facts can be misleading, though.

Like many states, Oregon still prohibits making moonshine, ostensibly because of alcohol taxes. So if I make moonshine, it basically counts as evading taxes. The FBI would probably throw me in debtors prison or march me straight to the guillotine. Way to be progressive, Oregon.

Even if you’re making small amounts of distilled alcohol for private use, or in the name of prepping or journalism, it is illegal here. (Other states, like Nevada, Missouri and sort of Alaska — the official language is a little unclear — allow license-free private distillation.)

In Oregon, you can get a distillery license for $100 annually, but I wasn’t committed enough to shell out a Ben Franklin just to get column fodder and some undoubtedly repulsive liquor.

According to oregon.gov, this license allows its possessor to “import, manufacture, distill, rectify, blend, denature and store spirits with an alcoholic content greater than 17 percent by weight” and to “transport such alcohol out of state for sale outside of Oregon.”

I suppose if you can make moonshine with less than 17 percent alcohol content, you could bypass the taxation and licensing nonsense. Throw some water in or something. Not that I’m endorsing such pseudo-illegal activity.

Still, if you really want to learn how to make moonshine, rum or whiskey, maybe you should visit Cousin Vinny in Missouri, land of enlightened alcohol laws, and practice your distilling. Because when the economy collapses, the government, if it still exists, will have bigger problems than a little bootlegging operation.

Next week: Supervolcanoes!