5 Classic Teen Sex-and-Drug Freakouts: Rainbow Parties, Butt-Chugging, And So Much More (By Which We Mean Less)

Was it only a month or so
ago that news outlets around the country were breathlessly
reporting that today’s teens were getting whacked-out
on hand sanitizer?

As the
Los Angeles Times told the tale (and USA
Today
reprised it), “Six teenagers have shown up in two San Fernando
Valley emergency rooms in the last few months with alcohol
poisoning after drinking hand sanitizer.”

If that’s not enough for anxious parents to order sub-dermal
tracker chips to place under their kids’ skin, chew on this: “Some
of the teens used salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer,
making a potent drink similar to a shot of hard liquor.
Distillation instructions can be found on the Internet.”

Don’t you dare think just because no one is actually doing
something that it’s not about to become the next big thing:
“Although there’s only been a few cases, county public health
toxicology expert Cyrus Rangan says it could signal a dangerous
trend.”

The hand-sanitizer story is a classic of the particularly
powerful news narrative that might be called “The Kids These Days”
story. The recipe is as simple as it is intoxicating: Take kids, a
wholesome product or activity (cleanser, say, or a sleepover),
throw in drugs, booze, or sex (preferably all three), some form of
vaguely scary technology (teh Interwebz, cell phones), and shake
vigorously (like Mentos in a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi, or maybe Pop
Rocks with a Coca-Cola chaser), and let it rip!

While we await the next fake news trend about teens and sex and
drugs—and
the coming federal ban on so-called bath salts and fake
marijuana—here are five classic freakouts to contemplate.

Next: Oooh, oooh, that smell (no, not that
one)…